I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
