we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize