I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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