I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
