Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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