I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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