Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Randomize
