I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
