Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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