Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
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