Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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