there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
