Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
splinters make it hard to masturbate
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Randomize
