who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
