I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
