one two three fourrrrnication!
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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