At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
