hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Randomize
