I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
