Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
3pm strippers are depressing
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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