I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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