Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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