Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
