apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I'm passing your future prison.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Randomize
