Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Randomize