I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
