Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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