i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
