The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
