sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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