Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
