Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
