You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
