I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
