Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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