I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize
