someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Randomize
