there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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