The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
