I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
