um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Randomize
