so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
