True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
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