I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
