you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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