I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
