Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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