Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
