bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
