my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
