Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
