Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
