Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
