K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
wanna go halves on a baby?
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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