My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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