i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
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