Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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